Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of some ages, good day.
My name is… well you can call me Narrator. And I love my role. I am omnipresent. I see it all. I hear it all. As far as this story is concerned, I’m everywhere. If you weren’t reading but were in this tale about to unfold, I would see your every move; hear your heart beat. I am as close to a mortal god as is possible.
And so I have a tale to tell. What else is new? I hear there’s a new version of Microsoft Windows in the making and the Japanese have technology that can take your flight info and check you in – from your mobile phone; even when it’s switched off.
But you’re really not here for those stories, are ya?
You’re here for the juicy gist. About Morim and Theo.
They might as well have been astronauts on a trip to Mars. For two reasons:
1. They met in space; and
2. Their chemistry was OUT of this WORLD
Haha. (or in chat lingo, lol) I have just tweaked you a bit. I am a pretty quirky, fickle narrator. I know, I know: I should have led with that. So I didn’t. Here’s my bum – bite me! They met in space? Yes. Cyberspace.
I’m not sure if disclosing their initial rendezvous point will make either of them queasy when they read this. But I’m Narrator and I don’t care. It was on this new site. Don’t know if you cavemen have heard of it: facebook.com.
If you don’t know what it is – dark-age relics that you all are – then you probably don’t know where google is which in turn means that you’ll never know for sure what I’m talking about. Your luck, I don’t care. Look for something else if you’re tired.
Speaking of tired, guess who’s tired? Moi. I need a tall glass of Kool Aid. And it’s not because the job of narrator is stressful.
But what part of “I am a pretty quirky, fickle narrator” is yet to sink in?
However, quirky as I am, I’m not wicked. I got something for ya… I snuck into their inboxes. And I got some stuff!
What? Did I hear someone say “invasion of privacy”? Talk am loud na! I dare you!
Anyway, fickle doesn’t always mean bad. I have taken the time and big ole effort to re-arrange the entries. If not, you’d have to read the stuff upside down. Oya: say “Thank you!”
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Book I: Latent Attraction
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On Tue, April 6th 2010 at 6.32 pm, Theo Gee wrote:
“Hey. Saw ur pix. U luk awesome. No offense but there are lots of cute chix all over fb. This mail is happening bcos of your ‘about me’ section. Lol! Cant resist a lady who doesnt send. Hit me up if you wanna continue this. L8r…”
On Wed, April 7th 2010 at 6.30 am, Morim P. wrote:
“I’m actually tempted to delete your mail and reply you with the worst stinker ever written. But unlike you, I’m going to be civil and not diss your profile picture. It’s not an insult – you really do look malnourished. And quite hideous in a suit. I’m off to work. If you do have a job, it probably doesn’t pay well. Get a new one. And a life. See ya!”
On Wed, April 7th 2010 at 3.07 pm, Theo Gee wrote:
“Well arent we caustic. Look wat d Grinch brought for easter! Well, its not your fault. If you had dignified my friend request wit a positiv reply, u wld av seen that my profile picture is of my gd friend James. He died last month of HIV. Thanx for the reminder. I love you too!”
On Wed, April 7th 2010 at 9.30 pm, Morim P. wrote:
“Oh dear, I’m sooo sorry. I … oh my. Didn’t mean to seem so callous. I had no idea. Really. It’s just that you put me off with your hors d’oeuvre. Ugh. I’m sorry, ok?”
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1 new notification
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Morim P. has sent you a friend request.
Confirm Ignore
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On Thu, April 8th 2010 at 10.46 am, Theo Gee wrote:
“I 4giv you. It wasnt your fault anyway. I see you wasted no time ignoring my friend request. Hence the need for you to add me. Funny, isn’t it?”
Theo G. and Morim P. are now friends.
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And I’m back! Yup! What? You missed me? Don’t flatter. I feel like stopping here for today. You know, just to watch you all squirm till I return. But my nephew’s pretty boring, that 6-year-old. Shame. At this rate, I’d like to see the onion bag in 54 years’ time. His saliva will probably form the major chemical used in new, improved anesthetics. So, yeah – I’d be happy to stay and gist you. Bugger…
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News Most Recent Status Update
Theo G. Lite travels faster than sound. Ds is why some people appear bright until you her them speak! Lol….
20 minutes ago. Via Facebook for Blackberry
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Soon enough, there was some chat activity… Once again, be thankful for my post-editing. I took out all the unsavoury chat stuff – like the time logs. You don’t really need to see how long each was taking to reply. At least I don’t think you do! And I’m King of this gist. So, everybody, kneel and chorus:
“All hail Narrator,
Ruler and creator,
Gister and editor!”
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Morim P: Yoo hoo!
Morim P: Anybody home?
Theo Gee: HI!!! Boy am I suprysd!
Theo Gee: 2 wat do I owe this honour?
Morim P: What honour? Please don’t go there. I’m embarrassed enough as it is.
Theo Gee: nah. dont b. Wasnt yr fault. So… Lyk I asked b4:
Theo Gee: whats d occasion. seein as u deemed me fit to gist wit 2day
Morim P: Nothing much. I saw your status update. Real funny.
Theo Gee: ah well, we av ‘jokes-r-us.com’ to thank 4 dat. I subscribe…
Morim P: Oh really? jokes-r-us.com huh? Now I’ll just have to marry you, won’t I?
Theo Gee: Lolz… But seruly, I’ve got a ton where that came from
Theo Gee: i meant seriouslsley
Theo Gee: seriously! and seriously, wat iz up wit ma kybod?
Theo Gee: keyboard. aaaarrghhh!!!
Morim P: hehehe. My turn to laugh
Theo Gee: yeah you wld. Was usin my bb wit ease o. dumb battry gave out and now I’m stuk wit my faulty laptop while it charges
Morim P: Well don’t worry… you are not the only one who has suffered keyboard woes.
Theo Gee: Oh rily? enlighten me pls…
Morim P: I too have been a pretty vicious victim. Was real embarrassing
Theo Gee: Shpeel! love to hear abt yr embarrassment. shpeel!
Morim P: Well, I was chatting with an old friend from secondary school once and I was giving him gist…
Theo Gee: yeah?
Morim P: my keyboard had been having issues: whenever I pressed ‘I’, ‘I’ and ‘O’ would sometimes show up on the screen together…
Theo Gee: o dis is goin 2 be gud…
Morim P: I finished the gist – which ended happily – by saying I left a male friend’s house smiling…
Theo Gee: uh huh
Morim P: guess what I wrote:
Theo Gee: WAAAT?
Morim P: “… left his house with a GROIN on my face…”
Theo Gee: ROTFLMBFAO!!!!! @##$ wth?
Morim P: Yep. I wrote that
Theo Gee: `Wow. dat was funny
Morim P: Yeah, yeah. Guess I’m no more the easter Grinch?
Theo Gee: O but u are….
Morim P: Hmph..
Theo Gee: psyke!
Morim P: Lucky you. You would have been written off instantly.
Morim P: And your spellings need Jesus! Dude: ‘psyke’?!
Theo Gee: wat cn I sy
Theo Gee: say
Theo Gee: I luv to misspell
Morim P: ok o! Hope you do it deliberately.
Theo Gee: don’t play wit me o
Theo Gee: National Spelling Bee Contest winner. 3 yrs in a row! jst gru up a rebel is all
Morim P: Rebel indeed! See how you tried to storm your way into my fb life
Theo Gee: yeah… about dat
Morim P: I’m listening…
Theo Gee: I normaly dnt do that
Theo Gee: I rily dont. in reality, I saw yr comment on someone’s note
Morim P: which one?
Theo Gee: I tink it was titled “Vegas in Africa” or sth
Morim P: oh yeah. I remember. I was feeling groovy that day
Theo Gee: anyway, yr comment was kinda cool and I got curious. viewed yr profile outta curiousity and 1ce I did, cudnt pass u up
Theo Gee: sori if I seemed rude
Morim P: It’s ok
Theo Gee: nywayz, ds was fun. I gotta go tho.
Morim P: Ok. It WAS fun.
Theo Gee: witout seemin 4ward… cn we chat ‘gain 2mrw?
Morim P: I’ll see what I can do, Theo. I’ll see what I can do
Theo Gee: Ok. fyn. I’ll b on d prowl sha
Morim P: lol. Ok. See ya!
Theo Gee: k. bye!
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And that was how those two gum-heads met. The next day, they actually chatted again. And I have
the info. So let me dish…
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Morim P: Hello?
Morim P: Theo!
Morim P: U there?
Morim P: Guess not.
Morim P: Maybe some other time. so much for you being ‘on the prowl’
Theo Gee: Hey. Hold up!!!!!!
Morim P: hey
Theo Gee: I’m here.
Theo Gee: And with good spellin mnnas to boot!
Theo Gee: ‘manners’. 4giv
Morim P: huh?
Theo Gee: forgive. its not eazy nah!!! cant change literally overnight…
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Oops –a-daisy! Sorry dudes, but I gotta scram. Be back with more gist next time. This conceited baby my sister gave birth to suddenly wants to play.
Wrestling!
And I can’t do that and still be your Nigerian version of Perez Hilton, can I? So, I be back later. Be good and use a condom…
Damn!
I just realized I should have told my brother-in-law THAT seven years ago…
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CLOSING SNIPPET: Morim’s ‘About Me’ section
“I am a beautiful and intelligent woman. Both in the extreme. If that bothers you, then I have a placatory gift for you: the co-ordinates to Mt. Kilimanjaro. The figures are accompanied a sole instruction: when you get to the top…
JUMP!!!”
LMHO!!!!!!!
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@yetitweets: my aim exactly!
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LMAO!! This was funny and unusual! Hey Cikko, let it out…this is an actual snoop you or someone got out and turned into a story?
And again…i’m wondering…what’s the title got to do with the story? I know you wrote this just for fun…
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@Afronuts: i’m trying to let it out o! All I can say is that I had an awesome muse to help out with this… The title? Well, wait and see…
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An awesome muse?wondering who that is?we’re still waiting.
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CIKKO na wah oh! Isn’t it bad enough that I’m already like ur biggest fan, you had to go and do this to me again. You bad, bad BAD person!
This is pure genius, and you know the plus side, nobody can accuse you of making typo errors and all the rest. Love you. Love your erratic narrator. Love Theo Gee and Morim P. And however it turns out for them, I won’t blame Morim P for falling. He would have got me too. Lol.
This is really very nice. Great job.
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@Uche: I know right? How convenient! No typos. Believe it or not, I spent more time puttin IN the typos: MS Word just kept correcting me! *hiss* But thanks. My head is over-swelled…
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Yeah, I believe you. It won’t be easy to put in those typos deliberately. Ironic, isn’t it.
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Hahaha…Cikko u have come again oh, loving every inch of this one, the narrator is some funny bugger keep ‘em rolling oh
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I was just having fun with that looney joo. Glad you like…
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The title got me clicking, very funny and engaging, nice diversion from my regular reads. Good work Cikko!
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Don’t worry, I’ll let you in on the title in good time. I always aim to please. Thank you…
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I echo Elly,a diversion from the regular reads,you definitely always aim to please.
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Pure genius!!!!…Well done Cikko…Witty, very quirky, funny and different Never seen it done like this before. This can only be rivaled by your other work “Me and My women”…I think. I am officially a fan now!..lol
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Men, genius is a big word o! This is some crazy praise and from no other than my adopted NS sister! Lol! Thanks. I’m honoured. Really…
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Awwww..Thanks NS bro. I totally accept the adoption..lol. But I really meant it when I said ‘Never seen it done like this before’…Its uniqueness testifies to its ingenuity..Well done again..lol
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soooo this is where the NS adoption started,ehnn hehhnn,ok,I see.una make sense sha.
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Wrong Gretel…It actually started from one of my articles..
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Wrong Gretel…It actually started on one of my articles..
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WOW
?This is what i call creativity at its best cikko.
i am loving this narrative of yours.
so funny and unrestricted.
cant wait for more.
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Look who’s here? If it isn’t Mr. Universe (NS version) lol! Guy, thanks… Glad my experiment worked. Although with all these psyches, I’m scared to write the sequel…
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lol,you should o.
?quickly for that matter.
now if you call me mr universe i will be taking your title.
i wont like that mister.
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This is pure creativity…I can’t but keep reading…Nice work I’ll say…a good narrator you are….
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@treasured1: thank you sir… It is you we are lookin up to o!
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Well done cikko, I second the foregoing comments.
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@abby: thanks! And I feel you. U sef tire for all the superlatives abi?! See me see wahala o!
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LM@O###,good stuff oh,u reply nah??? This was creative oh,got me hooked,steamiest guy on NS,Hahahaha
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@gretel: you no go wound me o! I’m so not McSteamy! (seen Grey’s Anatomy?) But thanks. Thanks a lot…
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yea right,he is the steamiest guy.
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KOLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
I no know say we flenty flenty wellu wellu for hia!!!!!
Mah man SICKO…that was sick!
?DAYUM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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@seun-odukoya: omo we flenty o! No be say you talk… We plenty gaaaan! Wow. Really feel distinguished that you’d classify us as mad men together. And you’re not the first person to call me Sicko! Lol…
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@all: not makin excuses but the sequel’s likely to underwhelm. It’s not my fault, it’s yours!
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lol
When I read your response to Paul McSteamy, I couldn’t help but laugh. Looks like one of two things: either you are really unsure of how the sequel will turn out (not a chance) or you are just saying this so we’ll be really wowed by the sequel and you end up a super star. Which is it? I think I know.
Not to worry, you are already a star. Just post the sequel already and let’s know what’s up!
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@Abby… You! U don carry come o… U know what? I’ll just shut up and write. How’s that?
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Abby ,take time and stop calling me that name o.
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Leave us to be the judges of that, though some how I doubt that the sequel will underwhelm. No be you again. I trust now.
Are you feeling the pressure yet?
*Evil laugh*
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@uche: i’m sooo feeling the pressure but nothin dey happen! Lolz…
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ohmy! cikko…………what a very quirky and fickle narrator! in the beginning i thought so, midway narrator got me giggling and in the end narrator got me in stitches……….i like narrator, no! scratch that…i love narrator for without him/her/it we wouldnt have been privy to this interesting dialogue.
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Yeah. Narrator’s a big part of the allure. Thanx a lot…
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LMAO! So as no to echo all the others, let me say - Creativity at its genius best! (did i just echo them? DAYUM!)
Cikko, you are the ACE!
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@lade a: Aunty, even YOU?!? Legend that you are? Ah. I’m going to call my Mummy! Ose o! I’m very heady as it is…
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Lol @ McSteamy,Ok,Cikko907 McSteamy.LM@O
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serzly,sicko,I like this a lot
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Always happy to trip you @gretel… I’ll try my darndest to make the sequel as cool. K?
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trying to make it cool because of gretel,now i see why you are the steamiest.
?welldone
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@anderson-paul: haha… Bros, no set me up o!
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i am not setting you up now,you know its true,ask gretel.
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thought it was supposaed to be a sequel,oya,don’t mind Anderson,finish up and make it cool ok?
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Well, I certainly giggled throughout that quirky and very witty narration, utterly mindless of all those typo errors which, in a way, is now part of World Englishes which the world has to accept, you know. I want to know if you’re bringing in the significance of the actual character of Captain von Trapp that we see in this legendary movie SOUNDS OF MUSIC into this piece of yours.
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@emmanuella-nduonofit: you’re close. We’ll see sha. Thanks for the comment. Glad you enjoyed.
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thank you jare or should I say dear sicko?just like the name
?O’course I k.
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Well I wouldn’t want to further over-use the words already used, such as quirky, witty, funny, original (oh no, the last one is a first, from me
). Yep, like I said, very original, unique, different etc etc. The narrator began to stretch it a bit with the humour, but that’s cool. It feels like one of the parties might actually stem from reality (you, maybe). Good job
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@Marya, it was good you noticed the bit of a stretch in the humour. Well, sometimes when writing, the author is bound to make few undeliberate mistakes, which is very natural and, like you said, very cool. So, if Cikko907 re-looks at this piece again, especially for serious writing, I’m sure that would be thrashed out on his part.
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