They say Love is blind and Marriage is an eye-opener. I never really understood these words until now.
I met Sam back university. He was every girl’s dream, he had lots of admirers, which included me, Sam had all the qualities a girl could ever want in a man, talk of looks, height, charm, brain, personality…. and to top it all he was a power dresser.
I was thrilled when he chose me among all the numerous girls drooling over him. We started our relationship and i must confess Sam was a gentleman, he was caring, loving and everything a girl could ever imagine but at the same time, he was very jealous and obsessive and i loved it. I thought it showed he really loved and cared about me, so when he proposed, it was the best thing in the world, i was overjoyed. I still remembered how he did it… he came to my house and we went to the beach, the mid-summer sun was high in the sky and the sun-tanned air mixed with the breeze conjured an indescribable romantic ambience around us. He looked at me for a second and went on one knee and in the sand at my feet he wrote ‘’ WILL YOU MARRY ME?’’ call it lame or old- fashioned, i thought it was romantic; i screamed and yelled ’’ Yes’’! Little did i know it would be the beginning of my anguish.
It started one afternoon when he came back from his outing and found me lying on the sofa in the living room, his scream woke me up. ‘’ Why the f**k are you sleeping in the living room… Don’t you have a room anymore?’’ Before i could utter a reply he shoved me aside and went straight to the bedroom, i followed him and tried to explain that i had been cleaning and cooking, then fell asleep in the living room but he wouldn’t hear it. Later in the night while i was changing to my PJ, he came to the room and put his arm round my waist.
‘’ Honey, am sorry i acted silly earlier… I had a terrible day. I promise it won’t happen again’’. I forgave him cos he said it would not happen again. Oh did i mention he’s a house husband?
He decided not to look for another job after he was dismissed from his previous job. We have been living on my income as a nurse, and anytime i tell him to look for a job, he takes it personal and leaves home for days, he comes back home drunk and vicious.
He came back on evening after he had left home for 3 good days, i decided to question is action but a re-sounding ear deafening slap was delivered to my left cheeks. I held on tight to my cheeks as i couldn’t believe he did it again.
‘’ Sam you promised never to slap me again’’
‘’ I will do it again and again if you do not shut your thrash. Are you drunk? And by the way who the hell are you to question my movement? Oh is it because you have a job and i don’t? So you think you think you are the boss of me abi?’’ I couldn’t believe my ears. This is not the man i married couple of years back, what happened to my Sam? Where did i go wrong? I kept thinking, this abuse is getting too much, i can’t call the police because i am still madly in love with him and i don’t want to end my marriage now but am going crazy as these are just the least of what i face. I even lost 4 months old pregnancy due to his usual aggressive behaviour; he had beaten to pulp because i recorded a Nigerian movie that clashed with the Arsenal Vs Liverpool football match he had set to record. I was admitted in the hospital for days and when he came with roses to apologize, i forgave him.
I just hope i don’t die of depression but i think i need help.
this is typical of a nollywood movie… I enjoyed this… But will love to know the details of the man’s dismissal from work… I saw few typos… I think a marraige scene would have added colour to the piece…
Umm, I’ll come back to comment in-depth later. On first reading, it’s okay. But some things are missing…
Something keeps telling me you’re a feminist and I really love that. The message of the story is good. However, the story was quite preditctable. There were a whole lotta typos too. Rework the story, add more details and pay attention to characterisation, this could be a very good story. Nice try.
Beautiful story but pretty rushed deliery. You didn’t take time to help us feel the MC’s grief, you just poured it all out there. And I noticed you didn’t capitalise your “I” in several places.
Good story though, quite typical too.
@scopeman stole my words…very nice story that was delivered in a hurry…i liked it but would have loved it if you had been a little bit more patient…
you have a slight tense problem too:
I couldn’t believe my ears. This is not the man i married couple of years back,[COULDN'T, ....IS....YEARS BACK...let your tenses agree...THIS WAS NOT THE MAN I MARRIED... unless you are making a quoted speech...]
just my own view though..,.,
Okay, I am back. Umm, lemme see…
“He was every girl’s dream, he had lots of admirers, which included me, Sam had all the qualities a girl could ever want in a man, talk of looks, height, charm, brain, personality…. and to top it all he was a power dresser.”
I think it would have looked better if it had been written like this:
“He was every girl’s dream, with lots of admirers, including me. Sam had all the qualities a girl could ever want in a man; looks, height, charm, brains (everybody has a brain, hehehe), charisma [I think this would've been better]. And he was a power [good/great/sharp?] dresser.
That’s one. I gotta run now. Later, I’ll continue.
Raymonnnnnnnnnnnnnnd? Where are u? Finish urs b4 I begin…
@4ran6, I am back now. Hehehehe…
2nd one:
“We started our relationship and i must confess Sam was a gentleman, he was caring, loving and everything a girl could ever imagine but at the same time, he was very jealous and obsessive and i loved it. I thought it showed he really loved and cared about me, so when he proposed, it was the best thing in the world, i was overjoyed…”
Could’ve been better like this:
“Our relationship showed me what a gentleman Sam was [could be? Make others choose oh! English no be my Lingua, na Franca own]. He was caring, loving; he was everything a girl could ever want or imagine…but he was also jealous and obsessive. Somehow, I loved this, because I thought it showed that he really loved and cared about me. So when he proposed, I was overjoyed, and it was the best thing in the world. I still remember how he did it…He came etc…”
I don’t want to risk rewriting the story, cos I will do so with my eyes. Besides, make others correct too. I might have made some mistakes in the correction (I’m only human), but like I said, English na Franca Lingua, no be my own…
Good luck.
My turn already?
Yes, it is Ur turn…Go hard, but with a glove, hehehe. And no below-the-belt oh! Hahahahahaha!!!
If na guy write d piece, below d belt go suffix. Since na babe sha, maybe below… Oya, bad guy, complete am b4 I drop my comment.
Below…Na U sabi. Hehehe. O.Y.O.
U wan put me for line of fire? Ur one and only 4ran6? Let’s wait until marriage opens our eyes sha…
Something’s missing from the story. Without trying to sound like Nana of ‘West African Idols’ 2007 version, ‘ I didn’t feel’ the story…:D
Thanks for reading you guys. I will work on everything u ve mentioned.
Don’t yet, until I’ve added mine plz… Tryin to give it a xikay touch of criticism.
@4ran6: I don’t really get ur opinion on the story.
Ur title makes ur piece look like an article, rather than a nice story that it is. You have a very nice theme, but the story line is really hurried. There are times it pays to leave ur reader guessing, some times though, it makes one’s work sloppy. Honestly, I think u ran out of patience, so u hurried it until the end. Just like the previous comments, u need to do more to let it flow. Patience is key. Clarity, brevity and cohesiveness does it for me. For the typos: u can never be too careful. For example,
I met Sam back [IN THE] university. He was every girl’s dream, he had lots of admirers, which included me, [.] Sam had all the qualities a girl could ever want in a man, talk of looks, height, charm, brain, personality…. and to top it all he was a power dresser.
Ditto @Raymond and co for others. Well done
Thanks 4ran6, i really appreciate this.
I’m really flattered… Very ejoor!!!
this story makes me belligerent and agrresive…i guess it means you succeeded in writing something good…very good
Hmmmm…marriage…when is someone going to write a story about how good marriage can be? arrrggghhh! lol
@wealth…I’ll simply ditto what others like xikay and jaywriter have said.
pay attention to your tenses and your punctuations too.I’m far from perfect in that area but I’m getting there..
you’ve got a great storyline but like 4ran6 said,you left too much to the reader’s imagination.there are too many blank spaces that needed to be filled.you supplied the details as you went along and didn’t take the time to build your characters well.
Also,your use of imagery…’the sun tanned air? really? I ain’t ever seen the color of air oh! I know what you were trying to create but you need to be careful with how you string words together to get the picture lodged firmly in the reader’s mind.This will make a great read if you re-wrote it…keep it up!
Ditto what all them guys said. You obviously have the gift. Just hang in there and rub it in some more. More grease girl
Thanks guys.
If marriage na eye-opener, wetin divorce come be naa? Chewing Stick? Hehehehe.
Lolz, na eye-poper (wink)
I dey tell U. Heehehehehehe…Both ya eye, and ya bank account, go pop.
LMAO
Good piece.didnt notice the errors, maybe cos I read it in a rush.but I agree it was hurried.Something tells me u r choleric, only those kind of people rush.Its a good trait, it helps you push despite tough challenges but it could make u skip important details.keep improving yourself, I know u will.
Thank you so much!@ Imayuse. I will keep improving my seelf.
@Raymond & 4ran6 : Lol @ account poper.
Nice idea, but I feel the jump from school days to marriage,and of course the sudden change in his moods, are just too sudden. You don’t have to finish the story in one part.
Try to paint the gap between school and the marriage a little bit more vividly. It doesn’t have to go serially, but I think you have just cut through the whole story in a rush.
Good piece though, has potential to make a pleasant read with some polishing. Pay some attention to sentence constructions as well
well-said
@ Wealth, well done dear, there is big room for improvement, watch out for spellings, please add a little suspense. Do not be in a haste to submit your write up in, take time to proof read it and ask for friends or family to double check as well. I am not the best yet, still learning myself. Lastly, please add more details.