The weight of your words bears down on my heart
The height of your plight stares down on my faith
The depth of your pains cuts deep within my soul
You smile but inside you’re in tears
You dance but within you’re in a trance
You put up a face though inside you’re in chains
But should you bear all of it alone dear?
Why can’t your worries my shoulders share?
If only to make you believe that I truly care
Please my caring hands don’t push away
Even if it may not support you always
It will give some hope like the sunrays
Though you have a mind of your own
But even you by yourself can’t go it alone
To get to the end, we all need someone
You’re my sister, you my friend
We are all a part of one another
Here’s my shoulder please lean on.
Hahaha… I really enjoyed this… I will love to the person that inspired this piece.
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I meant ‘I will like to know whoever inspired it’
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someone with the name precious…
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@tomi, you have done well to show the feeling of wanting to be taken in and rusted and allowed to show love…yeah,…i enjoyed it big time…It would have been better if you had only used the punctuation marks….i don’t usually use END punctuations but the INNER ones, i don’t neglect, except by mistake. Here, their absence took away a lot. I took some lines to show you:
You smile[,]but inside you’re in tears[ A COMMA WOULD HAVE GIVEN THE PAUSE AND SOLIDIFY THE MESSAGE. YOU SMILE is a sentence, AND YOU UNRAVEL IT WITH BUT....]
Please my caring hands[,] don’t push away [WITHOUT THE COMMA, THIS SENTENCE MEANS THAT YOU ARE TELLING YOU 'CARING' HAND NOT TO PUSH AWAY WHEN YOU ACTUALLY MEANT THAT YOUR CARING HANDS SHOULD NOT BE PUSHED AWAY]
Here’s my shoulder[,] please lean on.[THERE SHOULD BE A CLAUSE AFTER THE MAIN/INDEPENDENT CLAUSE "here's my shoulder"...WITHOUT IT, ITS GRAMMATICALLY UNSOUND]…
CHECK OUT THE OTHER LINES
WELL DONE
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@xikay, thanks for the insights.
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@tomi, no probs bro…we’re all here to learn…by the way, this shows that you have what it takes,…more glory
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Nna ehn, Romance……Anyways, nice poem Tomi. Like Mr Idoks, I’d also like to know too…
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I love the input by Xikay. The poem was really good otherwise.
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Nice poem Tomi, will make a great song too…
?@Xikay…Fantastic Editing, had to go and read them again without the commas(I mentally included them while reading the first time)and your analysis was on point!! well done
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Ditto @Xikay. The message does it for me sha, u pack better sense full am1
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“…bear down on me”. Xikay already pointed out a lot. Fine poem this is, I enjoyed it really.
?*Now, off to get me a nice and tender shoulder…*
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