I am lying face down on the cold tile in my one room apartment, trying hard to forget the pain I feel in my stomach. I let my thoughts wander back and forth, to the first day I met ufuoma and the day he dropped me off at the hospital.
I was only twelve years old when I first met Ufuoma, the man whom I hopelessly fell in love with. I had accompanied my older sister to her friends birthday party. When we got there, a handsome young man came to greet us in. From my own assessment , he was in his early twenties. He gave my sister a very tight hug and told her she was welcome. But for me , he gave me a peck on my cheek and smiled a quick small smile. I was too embarrassed to believe what happened because I Had never gone that close to a man who was neither my brother nor father.
“What is your name little princess ?” He asked looking straight into my eyes.
“Ani”, I replied clearing my throat in search of my lost voice. That was where our friendship began.
When I finally caught up with my sister, I just stood beside her like a glue board while she drank and chatted away happily.
I was so lost in thoughts that I only realised that. Power had been restored after my neighbours shouted ” up NEPA”. I stood up to turn on the celling fan, but to my horror Ufuoma was standing at my door. I hissed and turned away without saying a word to him.
“Ani i am really sorry” he said
“I couldn’t stand being at the hospital to see you go through all that pain”. He opened his arms wide and I walked in crying, sobbing as if he was the solution to all my problem when infact he was the major cause. Ufuoma knew well that it only took him the words “sorry” to get my heart back when ever he wronged me. Even when I caught him sleeping with my friend , he said sorry to me. I forgave him but as for my friend , we became sworn enemies.
I dug my fingers into his chest and wept. “I wanted to have that baby” I said in a shaky voice.
At this Ufuoma held me some distance away from himself.
“Don’t say that again”, he said . “You are just too young for that. The abortion was the best decision we made”.
I hated myself over again, here i was in ufuoma’s arms. The man who was responsible. For my pains but I couldn’t help myself. He was the first man I loved, the first man to make love to me.
“Do you love me” ? I asked him looking into his eyes demanding nothing but the truth.
He looked away before he answered.
“Ani we have gone through this before”.
I repeated my question. And this time Ufoma gave me an answer.
There was no guilt in his eyes, all I could see was shame.
“I am trying to love you” he whispered.
My sobs grew louder but I still clung on to him.
“I love you” I said.
He kissed my fore heard and pushed me away as if I hard a contagious disease..
He dropped the drugs and food he brought on the table while I starred at him in shock.
“You are just too good for me, just too young” he said before he walked out the door. When I heard the sound of the closed door, I jumped on my bed and held my pillow. I cried into It until my eyes hurt. Then I kept whispering “I love you!!!” Till I finally fell asleep.
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Not a bad effort.
I think you will have a better story if you rescan your sentences and edit the prepositions at the end of the sentences. You see, I dont think it is a good piece of writing to end a sentence with a preposition. So you might want to consider editing the sentences where those prepositions appear.
Also, check your punctuation and see that there are no mistakes.
Keep up the writing! And no matter what,never stop writing.
Please ignore my post; it was maent for “Clinging to the Wind.”
My apologies. I shall read yours and reply soonest.
I like the simple narrative of this one, and also that it was easy on the eyes. I’m thinking that this is the beginning of a series?
Well done!!!
Some typos, but a nice and simple story. I don’t know if all these stories I’m reading on NS are giving me a peek into the psyche of females…..Hmm…
Oh, by the way, there seemed to be a jump in this story.
“What is your name little princess ?” He asked looking straight into my eyes.
“Ani”, I replied clearing my throat in search of my lost voice. That was where our friendship began.
When I finally caught up with my sister, I just stood beside her like a glue board while she drank and chatted away happily.
I was so lost in thoughts that I only realised that. Power had been restored after my neighbours shouted ” up NEPA”. I stood up to turn on the celling fan, but to my horror Ufuoma was standing at my door. I hissed and turned away without saying a word to him.
Look at this place again, from the place where U described their meeting. And what did U mean by ‘When I finally caught up with my sister, I just stood beside her like a glue board while she drank and chatted away happily’? Or was Ani running? Clarity is important.
The is also evident in the next statement, when Ani was lost in thoughts.
Work on this…
“Forehead”, good, but a bit rushed. You need to work on your connection between the flashback and the present.
not too bad…you can definitely be much better…just keep on working on it
Like others have said, you did not take some few more minutes to cross check this for typos - misspellings and punctuation too. But I felt the emotional part of it, and on that note, well done.
Good effort! Very touching, i could feel that.Follow what others have said, thanks for sharing.
ok, it was emotional to say the least..Nice
I found this a very touching story, especially because of the asymmetry of the love in the relationship. I did feel that story missed out not telling about how the relationship between Ufuoma and Ani developed to the present (unless this is the first in a series of stories). I also noted the jump in the narrative that Raymond pointed out. But still, a good read.
I really appreciate all your comments. I typed this piece straight into my phone so I did not do a proper spell check. And for the time jump I tried to create, its obvious that it did not come out clearly, but I will definitely work on it. Yes I could make this a series even if that was not my initial plan. And since this is my first post on NS, am really excited that it got published. All corrections noted! Thank you.
I really appreciate all your comments. I typed this piece straight into my phone so I did not do a proper spell check. And for the time jump I tried to create, its obvious that it did not come out clearly, but I will definitely work on it. Yes, I could make this a series even if that was not my initial plan. And since this is my first post on NS, am really excited that it got published. All corrections noted! Thank you.